Fitness Challenge - 7 Weeks To Lose The 'Launch Paunch'

AS I STOOD in a Stockport car park, clinging onto a wall trying to be sick as the world spun around  me, I was forced to accept one thing. I’m badly out of shape.

There’s no point beating around the bush. Years of eating and drinking, some of it in a professional capacity, is catching up with me. I’ve started to wobble when I descend the stairs quickly. I’m out of breath after two flights of stairs up to our office. I can’t keep up on the five-a-side pitch.

The talented and fragrant MEN scribbler Helen Tither referred to it as my ‘launch paunch.’

"Like an X Factor contestant with a tragic back story, I’m about to embark on a journey. There’ll be blood, sweat, and tears. There may even be vomit when we publish my topless ‘before’ pics."

Welcome to your 30s? Too easy an excuse. I know people far older than me who are far fitter.

So it’s time to sort it out.

Yes, I’ve got kids, and yes, I’d like to be able to run around the park blah, blah, but more importantly, I’ve got an ego the size of the Beetham Tower and I don’t want to be fat.

The picture above was the final straw. It was taken a week or two ago after a particularly heavy weekend. Look at my gut. Embarrassing.

But with the right training and guidance, even someone like me, whose lifestyle largely centres around food and drink, can see big improvements.

Or so I'm told by new new best friends/enemies.

My new rule bookI’ve called in specialist help from Strength & Performance, a hardcore gym in Meadow Mill, Stockport. Sean Keefe and Zoran Dubaic have UFC fighters among their client base, as well as podgy office workers who spend too long in the pub like me.

I’d met them before and I knew they wouldn’t give me an easy ride, or accept any excuses about why I couldn’t get out for a run. I also know I can’t hide if I have a heavy night the day before a session.

This should help me stay off the booze, my biggest demon. I unashamedly love drinking, but it’s going to have to go for a few weeks.

It was Sean and Zoran who made me sick after my first half an hour session. Well, partly them and partly a particularly evil piece of training kit called the prowler. The prowler is a large metal frame that Sean makes me push around the car park. Several times.

But before I even got near it, there was plenty of work to do. Years of sitting at an office desk have left me immobile and stiff. Some of my muscles have got used to a life of inertia and are determined to stay still.

Sean and ZoranSo, like an X Factor contestant with a tragic back story, I’m about to embark on a journey. And you’re coming with me. There’ll be blood, there’ll be sweat, and there’ll most definitely be tears.

There may even be vomit. It might be yours when we publish my topless ‘before’ pics.

So between now and September, I’ll be keeping a weekly diary, featuring video footage of me being useless at a variety of exercises, to try and prove that even a hardened eater, drinker and stayer-out-later can manage to slim down, tone up and be a bit healthier.

Then I’m going to Bordeaux to drink wine and eat cheese until my face falls off.

www.strengthandperformance.co.uk