A guide to... arguing

The best things in life are free, which is why, in times of economic turmoil, arguing remains such a popular pastime.  Arguing is so easy anyone can do it - indeed, it’s frequently easier to do it than not, which is why you’ll always find a long queue at Customer Services and why no-one will visit your nan.

Snappers blow up in a vitriolic spume of righteous fury and then cool down rapidly when they realise the remote was in their hand all along.

Arguing is portable; you can do it at home, in the supermarket, on the plane or, if you prefer to argue en-masse, in an IKEA aisle on a bank holiday Monday.  You can even argue in your own head, which is where the passive aggressive amongst us do all out best arguing, coming up with snappy retorts and irrefutable logic mere weeks before/after the actual offence in question.

Arguing requires no props, though if you feel the urge to accessorize, anything that shatters or lands someone in trouble with the local authorities is a popular choice.

Sometimes you can be having an argument with someone without them even knowing about it. These are very economical arguments, since they require absolutely no input save for the target’s existence. And, of course, those truly committed to arguing can continue a good barney beyond the grave.

There are many types of arguer. Which one are you?

Snappers blow up in a vitriolic spume of righteous fury and then cool down rapidly when they realise the remote was in their hand all along.

Then there are the sulkers. Since the sulker’s modus operandi is silence, finding out what has offended them in the first place requires the acumen and patience of Colombo. Still, you’ll have plenty of time to develop these skills since the sulker can stretch it out for weeks, claiming everything is ‘fine’ whilst secretly watering your plants with bleach and poking the eyes out of your photographs.

Screamers will say anything that comes into their heads, at the top of their voices, for as long as it takes to win the fight. On the downside life with a screamer can lead to shredded self esteem, decimated ear drums and an ulcer but, on the upside, you can always get the neighbours to adjudicate.

Archivist have a filing cabinet (metaphorical in all but the worst of cases) with your name on it, containing every unfortunate act since time immemorial. This is why, when you claim you can be trusted, an archivist will unearth evidence to the contrary in the form of that button you borrowed in 1982 and still haven’t returned.

Then there are the refusers (using perpetual cheerfulness as a weapon), the hysterics (tell them they’re late, they’ll cry for a month) and the drunks (the epitome of serenity until the sixth pint, when they’ll challenge you to fisticuffs by the wheelie bins.)

Much like chemical elements, each combination of these results in wildly different reactions, which is why some couples can go from arguing over infidelity to laughing each other into bed whilst a less fortunate combination will go from a niggle over the bin bags to the divorce courts, via a 10 year stretch for attempted murder.

Some couples claim never to argue but since the opposite of love is purported to be not hate, but indifference, an argument-free relationship is in itself a fine reason for a really good ding dong. 

Of course, the only thing worse that arguing is stopping arguing.  When the person you have fought with incessantly for the last thirty years can no longer muster the oomph to poke the eyes out of your photographs, this is when you know you’ve lost the argument for good.