Penile Dementia

THERE’S a time and a place to show someone your penis, and it's not 3pm in the Post Office.

There I was, waiting innocently in the queue to post a package, when someone decided it was imperative that I see his.  I wasn’t even the victim of some anorak-adorned flasher.  I knew the guy. I just didn’t know him very well. I’d certainly never become acquainted with that part of him.

If guys aren’t dicking around in that way, they are texting girls with attachments of their attachments.

I can only imagine, that as we’d done the casual ‘what have you been up to?’ chit-chat, he thought that showing me a photo of a penis on his phone would help prevent the inevitable awkward silence.

It didn’t.

Mainly because I wasn’t sure what to say.

"Is that yours?" is what I opted for.

"Yes," he replied. Smugly. Cock-sure even.

"Oh right. Er...congratulations?"

I debated what to do next. What was the correct protocol? Was I supposed to show him a picture of my boobs? I just wasn’t sure that I’d got one on me. Fortunately I was called up to the counter before I had to come to any decision. I bade my friend, and his friend, farewell.

Was this below the belt? Almost certainly. A rare occurrence? Heck no. Some men use every opportunity to get their bits out, willy-nilly.

I used to frequent a bar where a member of staff was so proud of his appendage, he’d slip it onto female customers’ laps while he was taking their drinks order. (I should add that this was in Gran Canaria, before you wonder what fine Manchester establishment offers this service.)

Or if guys aren’t dicking around in that way, they are texting girls with attachments of their attachments.

My best mate called me to ask for my help when she and her work colleagues had decided to arrange a competition based around this craze, and see who could get the most penis pictures on their phones (at least I think it was their own idea and not a task set by their boss).

Sadly I’m not in contact with any famous footballers, who I believe are always up for this kind of thing. Because they are known for being very altruistic I mean. I went for the next best option, and asked my friend who plays in a pub league if he could assist.

He replied in the affirmative, before sending another message ... "Hard or soft?" as if I’d asked him to boil me an egg.

I suppose it is understandable when men get cock-a-hoop about their big ones, but it’s quite surprising when guys advertise that they are the owners of something that can only be described as more ding, than dong.

I couldn’t believe it when after joining a dating website, this little beauty popped up in my inbox.

‘Hello im single fit 100% geniune profesional guy just looking for some fun or relationship with a decent gal love to pamper and treat a gal, take her shopping and trips away, have to be honest, cant lie, sorry!! sporting a rather (small pecker) sorry!! well so ive been told lol :) hence my honesty broad mindedness and flexability , and happy to make up for it in other ways :) trips away, meals out, shopping etc, had an excelent arrrangement with the x gf , no offence meant !! x’

I actually wasn’t sure what to think. Should I admire my potential suitor’s honesty (and ‘broad mindedness and flexability’)? Should I reply with a list of my faults? Though I’m not sure that the fact I own a New Kids on the Block cassette tape was going to make him feel better about his short-comings.

I called my friend Alan to see whether it was just me or if this was quite a strange first email. After managing to convince him that it wasn’t a cock and bull story, he confirmed that it was a bit odd.

“Mind you, I suppose you could argue that it is better to know in advance, rather than it being the elephant in the room later on?”

In all honesty, I didn’t need anyone’s advice about what to do. For obvious reasons, there was absolutely no way in the world, I would even consider going out with Wee Willie Winkie.  I replied to let him know.

‘Thanks for the email, but I’ll have to decline your offer. I need a man with a much bigger...knowledge of punctuation, spelling and grammar.’